Sunday, October 4, 2009

In the Belly of the Beast

So my last post when I said that sometimes when it pours, it tsunami's? Well, sometimes when it tsunami's, it also hurricane's and earthquake's and Ice Age's and God knows what else.

I've never been a big believer in karma. I mean, yes, if you're horrible to people, eventually you'll find yourself alone, and if you're good to people, you probably won't. But I don't believe in the more mainstream idea of it where if you do something bad, nature will throw it back at you because that's the right thing to do, and if you do something good, riches will rain down upon you. And I hope I'm right, because if I'm wrong, then I must have taken to sleep-walking and butchering people in the night or something.

I know I have no real right to complain. As Matt, my boyfriend and the eternal screenwriter, says, I'm in the "belly of the beast" stage of epic storytelling, where the hero or heroine hits total rock bottom before things get better. And I know that most people do have to go through a phase where they've hit bottom. Hell, before they made it big with South Park, Matt Stone and Trey Parker were living in a one room apartment under a freeway, and watched the homeless guy outside their window make more money begging than they did making movies. And now look at them. I'm not saying I'm going to suddenly become famous and make millions, but I certainly hope this is all leading up to something good. I'm terrified that after all my hard work I'll fail my masters because I can't pass one stupid Latin exam, I can't quite seem to kick the last of this bug that I've now had for 3 weeks and counting, I'm so poor I actually can't afford to buy food (which I can handle for a while, but I've now been this poor for almost 3 months...bread and water is getting old). I don't know how I can afford to fly home in December, but I've got to because I REALLY can't afford to stay here. And I've been making an effort to reach out to people and reconnect with acquaintances so I'm not so lonely, and it's been going well, but it's hard to hang out with people when you're too poor to go out and do anything with them.

I'm sorry. I know my posts have been nothing but bitching and moaning of late, and the worst way to try and make people want to hang out with you is to constantly whine. But I can't help it-I think I've actually hit bottom. The only good thing in my life is Matt, and even that has it's torturous side, as we had 3 days together before being separated by an ocean again, and it's another 2 months until I can see him.

One day at a time. The only comforting thing I can think is, "This too shall pass". In the past, that's always been a source of comfort for me. But right now, it doesn't have quite the punch for me that it usually does. I guess just because I was hoping this period in my life would "pass" sooner. Guess I was wrong. 2 more months....somehow, I've got to make it two more months.

Wish me luck.


Anonymous said...

Aw colleen I'm sorry. I wish I could help somehow.I care bout u. Really hope to c u in the winter


Manuel said...

I know things are tough right now for you...I wish I could be there to give you a hug and tell you that everything is going to be okay. It will. I know you, and I know that you have the strength in you to pull through this and more. This is only a challenge set before you. Colleen Prior always steps up to a challenge.
You will make it through this.
Love you.