Friday, September 4, 2009

When It Pours, It Tsunamis

You know the expression "when it rains, it pours"? Well, sometimes it feels like when it pours, it tsunamis. I know everyone goes through slumps and bad times, but I feel like this one just won't end. It's not even that big things keep going wrong (well, they do), but then it's little things on top of the big things that just keep adding up. Pretty much the only thing that's going well right now is my love life, except that it's 3,000 miles away. School went to the shitter when I found out I failed my Latin exam and my advisor decided when telling me about it to also inform me that I'm a terrible writer and I'm lazy, which didn't help the situation. Then I got a job, but couldn't start for a month because my boss was out of town. He's back now and contacted me, but I have no idea when he wants me to start, and in the meantime I have literally no money and credit card bills are due in 2 1/2 weeks, with rent due the week after. Most of my really close friends all moved to different countries last week, and the ones who are still here are for the most part out of town. And the health thing-well, you don't want to know. That's the big stuff. But it's little stuff too-like the dance class I teach once a week that pays for my groceries has now been cancelled 3 weeks in a row by the woman who hired me. Teaching wouldn't have really solved any major problems, but it would have at least solved the problem of "how do I eat for the next 7 days". The season change, as per usual, caused my asthma to start seriously acting up. Things like that. Normally I'm not one to publicly complain, but I just had to vent somewhere.

I've never been a depressed person. The longest I've ever stayed upset or down about something is probably 2 days, max. But it's like this month I can't find one single thing to cheer me up. The first couple of weeks, I was down, but at least I had my friends. But now they're gone. Matt's obviously supporting me as best he can, but sending thoughtful e-mails and letters isn't the same as hug when you really need one. For the first time in my life, I actually just feel defeated. A huge part of me just wants to move home now instead of December, but not only can I not afford a flight, but I can't back out of my housing and I have this stupid Latin test to re-take. I'm trying to see the positives, I really am. But I've never felt so alone in my entire life, and it's hard to look at the meager bright side when you have nothing but a stuffed dog and a ticking wall clock for company. I just feel completely isolated and lost, and I know that I'm pushing people away with my depression-the few people I have left here are no doubt sick to death of me being down in the dumps all the time. I'm trying to be cheerful when other people are around just so I don't lose everyone because I'm sucky company lately, but it's really hard. I wish just one thing would go right, like my boss would call and tell me to start tomorrow. We'll see.

I'm sure things will start looking up soon. I look at it this way-there's really nothing else that could go wrong. It can only get better from here, and bad things always pass in time. It just sucks while waiting for them to go on their merry way.

Sorry I'm a Negative Nancy.

No comments: