Annual New Years' Blog! Things I Learned in 2009

It's that time again. Three years ago, I decided that instead of making a New Years' Resolution, which never works anyway, I would reflect on the lessons I have learned in the past year (or at least, the lessons life has tried to teach me...whether I've learned them or not is an entirely different issue!) and publish them on the Net in the hopes that some of you may benefit from my failures, successes, and utter humiliations as well. So, without further ado, here are the top 25 lessons I've learned in 2009.

-Commitment isn't scary-it's the unknown that's unnerving. Now that I've finally jumped into a committed relationship, I'm beginning to wonder what the hell I was so terrified of in the first place.
-There is no joy like that of seeing your students excel. Even if only one person in the world wants to learn from you, it's worth the effort to see them learn and succeed.
-It's OK to cry. Sometimes even in front of people.
-Rock bottom sucks. A lot. It sucks even more when you're alone. But no matter how bad things get, no matter how horrible life may seem, even when every tiny thing that could go wrong has, it will get better. Trust me. It may take months before even the slightest sign of improvement, but it will come. Just focus on any feeble rays of light you may be able to see, and you'll eventually pull yourself out of it.
-No matter what you think of organized religion, sometimes turning to God actually does help, even when you're not sure if you believe in God at all.
-Good friends will never abandon you, regardless of distance.
-Don't get credit cards. Just...don't. Trust me.
-Sometimes, just letting go and being completely reckless and carefree can result in the best memories. There's no harm in being spontaneous.
-Even smart people fail Latin. For a long time after I failed that class, I thought that I was just stupid and I couldn't possibly be intelligent enough to make it as an academic. What I really discovered was that I just wasn't playing to my strengths. Just because you're bad at something doesn't mean you're an idiot-it just means you're bad at that one particular thing. Nothing more, nothing less.
-Whenever you move from a place in which you were happy, you leave a piece of yourself behind. I left a piece of my heart back in Miami, and likewise, I have now left a piece of my heart in London as well (along with most of my books and half my clothes...). But as long as you leave it with good friends, it will be there waiting for you when you get back.
-There's no shame in asking for help.
-Working hard never fails to pay off. People will notice and respect you for it, regardless of what you actually achieve.
-Know your strengths. Likewise, know your weaknesses. It's OK to admit you don't know something.
-Don't get swine flu if you can avoid it.
-You can in fact live off of £4/week. It sucks and results in a lot of sauceless pasta, water, and walking everywhere, but it can be done. Trust me-I did it for 4 months.
-A boss who constantly gropes your ass isn't a good boss.
-Don't be petty. It gets you nowhere. The only thing it will get you is disgust from people who once had respect for you.
-When the papers say the economy sucks for job-seekers? They aren't kidding.
-Always remember who your friends are, and never forget to appreciate them.
-A true friend won't care if you can't afford to go out. If they really care about you, they're happy just to spend time together. £1 pizzas from Sainsbury's will keep you just as busy as a steak dinner.
-It's OK to need some alone time.
-Smoking is really bad for you. But it sure is fun.
-Facebook is great, but it's no substitute for human interaction.
-Using British slang in America isn't considered cool, just pretentious. Even when you're not doing it on purpose.
-It's OK to say "no" when absolutely necessary.

On that note, Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Festivus, and the very best of New Year's to all!

Thanksgiving-less Thanksgiving

As I'm sure you're all aware, I'm still in the UK, for another 2 weeks anyway. Thus, once again, I spent this year sans Thanksgiving. True, it's a bit less depressing this time around as A) I'm now used to being in another country, and B) I'm only missing it by 2 weeks anyway, but I still feel I need to celebrate it in any way I can. So, here's my ever-so-cheesy, blatantly cliche list of things I'm thankful for this year.

I'm thankful for:
-Fiona for coming to visit me-I didn't realise exactly how much I missed her until she walked in the door.
-Rebecca, Stacy, and Chris for always being so enthusiastic about coming to dance class every Saturday-you guys are one of the highlights of my week!
-Lili for always making sure I don't starve when I'm destitute
-Zee for letting me into the cabaret show last week for free just because I held his camera for him
-Mimi for just being awesome-I'm so glad we got to know each other better this term, and I wish we'd gotten closer earlier!
-Charles for keeping me amused with philosophical conversations at society events
-Seb for being my poverty buddy. And for cooking me dinner that one time. And just being my friend.
-Adnan for our burger trips, random text message conversations, and Buffy trivia contests. I love hanging out with you, even when you are 30 minutes late.
-Everyone who put up with me this summer when I was in a serious funk, including Joe (especially Joe-poor guy was stuck in a house with me alone all summer!), Lili, Betsy, Rachel, Fiona, Matt, and my poor mother who had to listen to me whine on the phone constantly. Sorry about that, guys. It was a tough couple of months, but it's behind me now. Maybe I'll start referring to it as the Dark Ages.
-Betsy, Rachel and Fiona for keeping my chin up with the Latin fiasco and making me see the funny side to everything. Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.
-Rachel for our Tuesday night pizza and wine dinners. They're the high point of my week.
-Clovis for being my new drinking buddy. We definitely should have started that sooner! Oh, well. Make your way to DC over Christmas and we'll make up for lost time!
-My sister Leigh for being not only an awesome sister and promising me Taco Bell immediately upon my return, but for being the bad kid so that everything I do looks tame in comparison. ;)
-My brother Adam for listening to me yammer to him endlessly on the phone when I'm bored.
-My dad for providing me with an outlet to bitch and moan when I need to.
-Will, Lizzy, Clare, and Mimi for working to make Honk! so much fun both times around; I really enjoyed that show!
-Caddy for letting me tag along on his Amsterdam trip without really knowing me. That's one way to become friends with someone!
-Lili for organising the France trip this summer, and everyone who came along-what an awesome experience! (And an extra shout-out to Fern for consistently feeding us in France!)
-Alicia Crane for always being willing to snuggle up in our pjs with teddy bears and watch a movie with me when we're both home.
-Betsy for being awesome, making my workday bearable via g-chat, bringing me trashy magazines when I was a depressed zombie, and putting together a ready-made group of friends for me in DC. Good work on that! :)
-Alex for being my London buddy for a while. God, that was fun. When are you moving back to DC?
-Stephanie for our Copenhagen adventures. Let's have more adventures when I'm back home, yes?
-Charlene for taking me out and buying me tea out of the blue-that was so much fun!
-Rhys, Gemma, Kendall, Rick, Rob, Dave, Daz, and Lou for always filling my Oxford trips with rip-roaring hilarity and never letting me get away with sobriety. (Particularly thanks to Rick for always letting me invade his house whenever I'm in town!)
-Shana for being so sweet and reaching out when she knew I needed it most.
-Manny A.F. for being my best friend, even from 3000 miles away. I'm so glad things haven't changed even after a year apart. Although this whole lack-of-a-dance-partner thing is starting to make me twitch....
-Grace for remaining not just a friend but truly family after all these years, and for making sure I was updated regularly when Parker was being born. That meant so much to me!
-Arianne for not only being such an awesome friend all the time, but for being so enthusiastic every time I call to the point of crying when I leave a voice message. That's love!
-Manny C. for our seldom yet always awesome phone chats. Talking to him always makes me smile!
-Nick A. for always randomly reminding me that he misses me in his own special way.
-Nick Osborne for still sending me random forwards that he knows I'll like even after I skipped off to another country.
-Liam for continuing to amuse me with random texts at odd hours of the night.
-Iona for being my friend-I always have fun with you, and so what if people always think I'm your big sister? Is that a bad thing? Huh? HUH?
-Dan Groz for being my halls buddy last year and for never exposing the dirt he has on me after countless drunk walks home (not that he could, given my dirt on him, but still!).
-Jeff for consistently walking home with me every night for an entire year. I miss me some Jeff.
-Matt for being the sweetest, most supportive man I've ever known. I would never have made it through the last 5 months without you. I love you. But you knew that.

I'm sure there are people that belong on this list that I've for one reason or another forgotten to include. I promise if I did it wasn't intentional! You all mean the world to me, and have made this past 18 months some of the best of my life. So thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

In the Belly of the Beast

So my last post when I said that sometimes when it pours, it tsunami's? Well, sometimes when it tsunami's, it also hurricane's and earthquake's and Ice Age's and God knows what else.

I've never been a big believer in karma. I mean, yes, if you're horrible to people, eventually you'll find yourself alone, and if you're good to people, you probably won't. But I don't believe in the more mainstream idea of it where if you do something bad, nature will throw it back at you because that's the right thing to do, and if you do something good, riches will rain down upon you. And I hope I'm right, because if I'm wrong, then I must have taken to sleep-walking and butchering people in the night or something.

I know I have no real right to complain. As Matt, my boyfriend and the eternal screenwriter, says, I'm in the "belly of the beast" stage of epic storytelling, where the hero or heroine hits total rock bottom before things get better. And I know that most people do have to go through a phase where they've hit bottom. Hell, before they made it big with South Park, Matt Stone and Trey Parker were living in a one room apartment under a freeway, and watched the homeless guy outside their window make more money begging than they did making movies. And now look at them. I'm not saying I'm going to suddenly become famous and make millions, but I certainly hope this is all leading up to something good. I'm terrified that after all my hard work I'll fail my masters because I can't pass one stupid Latin exam, I can't quite seem to kick the last of this bug that I've now had for 3 weeks and counting, I'm so poor I actually can't afford to buy food (which I can handle for a while, but I've now been this poor for almost 3 months...bread and water is getting old). I don't know how I can afford to fly home in December, but I've got to because I REALLY can't afford to stay here. And I've been making an effort to reach out to people and reconnect with acquaintances so I'm not so lonely, and it's been going well, but it's hard to hang out with people when you're too poor to go out and do anything with them.

I'm sorry. I know my posts have been nothing but bitching and moaning of late, and the worst way to try and make people want to hang out with you is to constantly whine. But I can't help it-I think I've actually hit bottom. The only good thing in my life is Matt, and even that has it's torturous side, as we had 3 days together before being separated by an ocean again, and it's another 2 months until I can see him.

One day at a time. The only comforting thing I can think is, "This too shall pass". In the past, that's always been a source of comfort for me. But right now, it doesn't have quite the punch for me that it usually does. I guess just because I was hoping this period in my life would "pass" sooner. Guess I was wrong. 2 more months....somehow, I've got to make it two more months.

Wish me luck.

When It Pours, It Tsunamis

You know the expression "when it rains, it pours"? Well, sometimes it feels like when it pours, it tsunamis. I know everyone goes through slumps and bad times, but I feel like this one just won't end. It's not even that big things keep going wrong (well, they do), but then it's little things on top of the big things that just keep adding up. Pretty much the only thing that's going well right now is my love life, except that it's 3,000 miles away. School went to the shitter when I found out I failed my Latin exam and my advisor decided when telling me about it to also inform me that I'm a terrible writer and I'm lazy, which didn't help the situation. Then I got a job, but couldn't start for a month because my boss was out of town. He's back now and contacted me, but I have no idea when he wants me to start, and in the meantime I have literally no money and credit card bills are due in 2 1/2 weeks, with rent due the week after. Most of my really close friends all moved to different countries last week, and the ones who are still here are for the most part out of town. And the health thing-well, you don't want to know. That's the big stuff. But it's little stuff too-like the dance class I teach once a week that pays for my groceries has now been cancelled 3 weeks in a row by the woman who hired me. Teaching wouldn't have really solved any major problems, but it would have at least solved the problem of "how do I eat for the next 7 days". The season change, as per usual, caused my asthma to start seriously acting up. Things like that. Normally I'm not one to publicly complain, but I just had to vent somewhere.

I've never been a depressed person. The longest I've ever stayed upset or down about something is probably 2 days, max. But it's like this month I can't find one single thing to cheer me up. The first couple of weeks, I was down, but at least I had my friends. But now they're gone. Matt's obviously supporting me as best he can, but sending thoughtful e-mails and letters isn't the same as hug when you really need one. For the first time in my life, I actually just feel defeated. A huge part of me just wants to move home now instead of December, but not only can I not afford a flight, but I can't back out of my housing and I have this stupid Latin test to re-take. I'm trying to see the positives, I really am. But I've never felt so alone in my entire life, and it's hard to look at the meager bright side when you have nothing but a stuffed dog and a ticking wall clock for company. I just feel completely isolated and lost, and I know that I'm pushing people away with my depression-the few people I have left here are no doubt sick to death of me being down in the dumps all the time. I'm trying to be cheerful when other people are around just so I don't lose everyone because I'm sucky company lately, but it's really hard. I wish just one thing would go right, like my boss would call and tell me to start tomorrow. We'll see.

I'm sure things will start looking up soon. I look at it this way-there's really nothing else that could go wrong. It can only get better from here, and bad things always pass in time. It just sucks while waiting for them to go on their merry way.

Sorry I'm a Negative Nancy.

Change of Direction

As many of you have no doubt seen on Facebook, I'm considering moving back to the States come December. In response to the various "huh?"s and "what?!"s, I'm going to use my poor neglected blog as a vehicle to explain.

Due to recent events in my life, settling down here isn't really an option anymore. At least, settling down here permanently isn't. I've fallen madly in love with someone, and while I can work anywhere, he can't work here. If we're ever going to be able to be together, I'm the one who has to move. Please don't think this was his idea. It was entirely mine-he'd move here if I asked him to, but I never would. And to be honest, I don't know that I want to spend my life here anyway. I love it here, and the people are great, but culturally, I don't fit in. Also, as much as people in the UK preach tolerance and understanding of other cultures, there's not only a universal judgement but almost hatred for American culture here. I'm more than willing to adapt to other cultures, but constantly being judged for where I come from is exhausting. The US may have it's problems, but it's still my home, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life being treated as if I'm "less than" just because of my nationality. For both those reasons, a move back to the States is imminent.

Knowing that, I have 3 options:

A) Stay here for a year, then spend another three getting my PhD here, and then move back to the States.

B) Stay here for a year, apply for PhDs at home, and get a Tier 1 visa in the meantime so that I can work until August when I would leave for school.

C) Stay here through January when my visa expires, and go home to live with my mom and save up money until August when I move to wherever I get into school.

Originally, I was going with choice A, with choice B as a fallback. But honestly, the option of going to school here is pretty much gone now. I failed my Latin exam, and though my advisor has worked out a way for me to make it up without re-sitting it next June, I have to accept what that means. The reason I was looking at Kings (originally my first choice) was because I wanted to go into their History of Religion program. But that program requires Latin, and I have to accept that regardless of how hard I work, I'm not going to get in with a failed Latin exam, and I'm certainly not going to get funding. As Kings was the only school in the UK I was looking at for a doctorate, that eliminates choice A.

Choice B then became the plan; I got a job and was going to work on doctoral applications all year for programs in the States (I changed my PhD focus to something more modern that doesn't require the 5 languages my first choice did). But then I started running the numbers, and I just don't know if it's financially feasible. Right now, I'm making enough to support myself just fine. But the extra costs of living here are really adding up. First of all, a visa application is £450, and would need to be paid by October at the latest if I want to have my passport back by December to go home for Christmas. Then, there's the council tax that is due in January. I'm the only non-student in my house, which means I am entirely responsible for paying it. Yes, you do pay less if it's one non-student, but they only knock off 25%, which means I'd still be paying a least £1000. That's in addition to the fee for my visa and a round-trip flight home for Christmas. (Going home for Christmas is something I won't sacrifice...I only get to see Matt twice a year as it is, and I'm not going to give that up.) So altogether, that's around £2000, all shelled out by January. Then take into account the fact that my student loan payments start up in February at $500 a month, and you see the problem. I just can't afford to live here. I've made a lot of decisions in my life that financially weren't the best but provided me with great experiences, and staying here was going to be another of them. But I need to grow up. I need to be responsible and get out of debt sooner rather than later, and going home will certainly facilitate that. I would live with my mom (no rent, visa fees, or council tax), and could just put all the money I earn waiting tables or something towards paying off student loan fees and credit card bills. Then, if I get into a good PhD program and get funding, great, I'll move to wherever it is next August. If I don't, then I can start hunting for a more serious job and an apartment.

I won't pretend like Matt isn't a big part of this decision; he is. If he's willing to commit to a serious relationship knowing that we probably won't live in the same city for the next 6 years (US doctorates are 5 years long), then the least I can do is spend the 8 months I was going to spend putzing around here with him so we can actually spend some time together. We've known each other for 7 years, and the longest stretch of time we've had together is 3 days. E-mail is no way to start a long-term relationship. I've never been one to let a relationship affect my professional decisions, and I won't. I'll still go wherever I have to for school. But that doesn't mean I can't make any decisions with him in mind, especially if they're financially beneficial.

Lastly, most of my closest friends have officially moved to other countries as of today; Betsy, Jeff and Christine back to the States, and Fiona back to Ireland. I still have friends here, very good friends who I adore. But once the people you're closest to are gone, a place kind of loses its hold on you.

Thoughts?

I Finally Get It

Well, it happened. It took 25 years, dozens of good dates, more bad dates, and a lot of self-loathing, but it happened. I finally understand what all the love fuss is about.

I was always a cynic, too. I never believed that you could love someone unconditionally, or that you could have a relationship that was as natural as breathing, where even the difficult conversations come easily and stress-free. But I get it now. I finally understand that the cheesy songs, the lame poems, and the crappy rom-com movies have, if you're really lucky, got it right. And it just so happens, I'm really lucky. Despite the fact that, as we're on different continents, I miss him wretchedly, and as a result also understand exactly what the term "lovesick" really means, I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything.

I'm not trying to be a hopeless romantic either; I've always been very level-headed in pretty much every aspect of my life. I don't believe something exists unless I am given solid proof. So forgive my cheesy lameness...it's just that I've finally found the proof.

Feel free to go and vomit now if you like. I've said what I needed to say.

Distance

I've recently been missing my Miami friends a lot. I mean, I always miss them, but for whatever reason, I miss them so much this week it almost makes me want to drop out of school and move back there just so I don't have to miss them anymore. I'd imagine the homesickness is so intense of late because it's Easter week, and pretty much all of my London friends went home for the holiday, resulting in a pretty lonely Easter for me.

But the point of this entry isn't to bitch and moan and try to earn pity. On the contrary; I hardly deserve pity if I'm lucky enough to have developed such close meaningful relationships with people that after 9 months I'm still affected this strongly by the distance. My point is, I can now see why some people think it's better to just not get close to people in the first place. I personally am not one of those people, but I see the logic. I lived in Miami for 6 years, which is a pretty significant amount of time-certainly long enough to build relationships that go beyond mere friendship. Arianne, Lucy, Manny C, Nick, Shana, Kevin, Monica, Manny (especially Manny)-these people were my family. Still are. But it's hard to separate from that kind of network. I naiively thought that maybe it would get easier over time, that we would grow apart, that after almost a year I wouldn't still want to call them every time something significant happens in my life-but that's not the case. I wouldn't trade these relationships for the world, but I am starting to understand how a less optimistic person than myself would choose to not build them in the first place so that when they inevitably separate they won't have to feel the pain.

Please don't misunderstand me-I would take a lot more pain than this as long as I got to keep those relationships. And my life is infinitely better for having them. And I'm not going to shy away from building those kinds of relationships here in London. But the pain I feel right now does give me pause-I don't intend to leave London anytime soon, but chances are it will happen eventually. Even if things do go as planned and I do my PhD here, what about after that? Academic jobs are so hard to find, it's almost definite that I'll have to move back to the US to find work. And by then, I will have been here 5 years. And I'll have to go through this separation all over again. I know most people fear starting out in a new place. They fear lonliness. They fear completely starting their life over from scratch. None of that scares me. What scares me is having to repeat this pain all over again with a whole new set of people, all the while still missing the old set no less than I did the week after I moved.

Like I said, it's not enough to make me shy away from getting close to people. But it's certainly no picnic, either.