You know the expression "when it rains, it pours"? Well, sometimes it feels like when it pours, it tsunamis. I know everyone goes through slumps and bad times, but I feel like this one just won't end. It's not even that big things keep going wrong (well, they do), but then it's little things on top of the big things that just keep adding up. Pretty much the only thing that's going well right now is my love life, except that it's 3,000 miles away. School went to the shitter when I found out I failed my Latin exam and my advisor decided when telling me about it to also inform me that I'm a terrible writer and I'm lazy, which didn't help the situation. Then I got a job, but couldn't start for a month because my boss was out of town. He's back now and contacted me, but I have no idea when he wants me to start, and in the meantime I have literally no money and credit card bills are due in 2 1/2 weeks, with rent due the week after. Most of my really close friends all moved to different countries last week, and the ones who are still here are for the most part out of town. And the health thing-well, you don't want to know. That's the big stuff. But it's little stuff too-like the dance class I teach once a week that pays for my groceries has now been cancelled 3 weeks in a row by the woman who hired me. Teaching wouldn't have really solved any major problems, but it would have at least solved the problem of "how do I eat for the next 7 days". The season change, as per usual, caused my asthma to start seriously acting up. Things like that. Normally I'm not one to publicly complain, but I just had to vent somewhere.
I've never been a depressed person. The longest I've ever stayed upset or down about something is probably 2 days, max. But it's like this month I can't find one single thing to cheer me up. The first couple of weeks, I was down, but at least I had my friends. But now they're gone. Matt's obviously supporting me as best he can, but sending thoughtful e-mails and letters isn't the same as hug when you really need one. For the first time in my life, I actually just feel defeated. A huge part of me just wants to move home now instead of December, but not only can I not afford a flight, but I can't back out of my housing and I have this stupid Latin test to re-take. I'm trying to see the positives, I really am. But I've never felt so alone in my entire life, and it's hard to look at the meager bright side when you have nothing but a stuffed dog and a ticking wall clock for company. I just feel completely isolated and lost, and I know that I'm pushing people away with my depression-the few people I have left here are no doubt sick to death of me being down in the dumps all the time. I'm trying to be cheerful when other people are around just so I don't lose everyone because I'm sucky company lately, but it's really hard. I wish just one thing would go right, like my boss would call and tell me to start tomorrow. We'll see.
I'm sure things will start looking up soon. I look at it this way-there's really nothing else that could go wrong. It can only get better from here, and bad things always pass in time. It just sucks while waiting for them to go on their merry way.
Sorry I'm a Negative Nancy.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Change of Direction
As many of you have no doubt seen on Facebook, I'm considering moving back to the States come December. In response to the various "huh?"s and "what?!"s, I'm going to use my poor neglected blog as a vehicle to explain.
Due to recent events in my life, settling down here isn't really an option anymore. At least, settling down here permanently isn't. I've fallen madly in love with someone, and while I can work anywhere, he can't work here. If we're ever going to be able to be together, I'm the one who has to move. Please don't think this was his idea. It was entirely mine-he'd move here if I asked him to, but I never would. And to be honest, I don't know that I want to spend my life here anyway. I love it here, and the people are great, but culturally, I don't fit in. Also, as much as people in the UK preach tolerance and understanding of other cultures, there's not only a universal judgement but almost hatred for American culture here. I'm more than willing to adapt to other cultures, but constantly being judged for where I come from is exhausting. The US may have it's problems, but it's still my home, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life being treated as if I'm "less than" just because of my nationality. For both those reasons, a move back to the States is imminent.
Knowing that, I have 3 options:
A) Stay here for a year, then spend another three getting my PhD here, and then move back to the States.
B) Stay here for a year, apply for PhDs at home, and get a Tier 1 visa in the meantime so that I can work until August when I would leave for school.
C) Stay here through January when my visa expires, and go home to live with my mom and save up money until August when I move to wherever I get into school.
Originally, I was going with choice A, with choice B as a fallback. But honestly, the option of going to school here is pretty much gone now. I failed my Latin exam, and though my advisor has worked out a way for me to make it up without re-sitting it next June, I have to accept what that means. The reason I was looking at Kings (originally my first choice) was because I wanted to go into their History of Religion program. But that program requires Latin, and I have to accept that regardless of how hard I work, I'm not going to get in with a failed Latin exam, and I'm certainly not going to get funding. As Kings was the only school in the UK I was looking at for a doctorate, that eliminates choice A.
Choice B then became the plan; I got a job and was going to work on doctoral applications all year for programs in the States (I changed my PhD focus to something more modern that doesn't require the 5 languages my first choice did). But then I started running the numbers, and I just don't know if it's financially feasible. Right now, I'm making enough to support myself just fine. But the extra costs of living here are really adding up. First of all, a visa application is £450, and would need to be paid by October at the latest if I want to have my passport back by December to go home for Christmas. Then, there's the council tax that is due in January. I'm the only non-student in my house, which means I am entirely responsible for paying it. Yes, you do pay less if it's one non-student, but they only knock off 25%, which means I'd still be paying a least £1000. That's in addition to the fee for my visa and a round-trip flight home for Christmas. (Going home for Christmas is something I won't sacrifice...I only get to see Matt twice a year as it is, and I'm not going to give that up.) So altogether, that's around £2000, all shelled out by January. Then take into account the fact that my student loan payments start up in February at $500 a month, and you see the problem. I just can't afford to live here. I've made a lot of decisions in my life that financially weren't the best but provided me with great experiences, and staying here was going to be another of them. But I need to grow up. I need to be responsible and get out of debt sooner rather than later, and going home will certainly facilitate that. I would live with my mom (no rent, visa fees, or council tax), and could just put all the money I earn waiting tables or something towards paying off student loan fees and credit card bills. Then, if I get into a good PhD program and get funding, great, I'll move to wherever it is next August. If I don't, then I can start hunting for a more serious job and an apartment.
I won't pretend like Matt isn't a big part of this decision; he is. If he's willing to commit to a serious relationship knowing that we probably won't live in the same city for the next 6 years (US doctorates are 5 years long), then the least I can do is spend the 8 months I was going to spend putzing around here with him so we can actually spend some time together. We've known each other for 7 years, and the longest stretch of time we've had together is 3 days. E-mail is no way to start a long-term relationship. I've never been one to let a relationship affect my professional decisions, and I won't. I'll still go wherever I have to for school. But that doesn't mean I can't make any decisions with him in mind, especially if they're financially beneficial.
Lastly, most of my closest friends have officially moved to other countries as of today; Betsy, Jeff and Christine back to the States, and Fiona back to Ireland. I still have friends here, very good friends who I adore. But once the people you're closest to are gone, a place kind of loses its hold on you.
Thoughts?
Due to recent events in my life, settling down here isn't really an option anymore. At least, settling down here permanently isn't. I've fallen madly in love with someone, and while I can work anywhere, he can't work here. If we're ever going to be able to be together, I'm the one who has to move. Please don't think this was his idea. It was entirely mine-he'd move here if I asked him to, but I never would. And to be honest, I don't know that I want to spend my life here anyway. I love it here, and the people are great, but culturally, I don't fit in. Also, as much as people in the UK preach tolerance and understanding of other cultures, there's not only a universal judgement but almost hatred for American culture here. I'm more than willing to adapt to other cultures, but constantly being judged for where I come from is exhausting. The US may have it's problems, but it's still my home, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life being treated as if I'm "less than" just because of my nationality. For both those reasons, a move back to the States is imminent.
Knowing that, I have 3 options:
A) Stay here for a year, then spend another three getting my PhD here, and then move back to the States.
B) Stay here for a year, apply for PhDs at home, and get a Tier 1 visa in the meantime so that I can work until August when I would leave for school.
C) Stay here through January when my visa expires, and go home to live with my mom and save up money until August when I move to wherever I get into school.
Originally, I was going with choice A, with choice B as a fallback. But honestly, the option of going to school here is pretty much gone now. I failed my Latin exam, and though my advisor has worked out a way for me to make it up without re-sitting it next June, I have to accept what that means. The reason I was looking at Kings (originally my first choice) was because I wanted to go into their History of Religion program. But that program requires Latin, and I have to accept that regardless of how hard I work, I'm not going to get in with a failed Latin exam, and I'm certainly not going to get funding. As Kings was the only school in the UK I was looking at for a doctorate, that eliminates choice A.
Choice B then became the plan; I got a job and was going to work on doctoral applications all year for programs in the States (I changed my PhD focus to something more modern that doesn't require the 5 languages my first choice did). But then I started running the numbers, and I just don't know if it's financially feasible. Right now, I'm making enough to support myself just fine. But the extra costs of living here are really adding up. First of all, a visa application is £450, and would need to be paid by October at the latest if I want to have my passport back by December to go home for Christmas. Then, there's the council tax that is due in January. I'm the only non-student in my house, which means I am entirely responsible for paying it. Yes, you do pay less if it's one non-student, but they only knock off 25%, which means I'd still be paying a least £1000. That's in addition to the fee for my visa and a round-trip flight home for Christmas. (Going home for Christmas is something I won't sacrifice...I only get to see Matt twice a year as it is, and I'm not going to give that up.) So altogether, that's around £2000, all shelled out by January. Then take into account the fact that my student loan payments start up in February at $500 a month, and you see the problem. I just can't afford to live here. I've made a lot of decisions in my life that financially weren't the best but provided me with great experiences, and staying here was going to be another of them. But I need to grow up. I need to be responsible and get out of debt sooner rather than later, and going home will certainly facilitate that. I would live with my mom (no rent, visa fees, or council tax), and could just put all the money I earn waiting tables or something towards paying off student loan fees and credit card bills. Then, if I get into a good PhD program and get funding, great, I'll move to wherever it is next August. If I don't, then I can start hunting for a more serious job and an apartment.
I won't pretend like Matt isn't a big part of this decision; he is. If he's willing to commit to a serious relationship knowing that we probably won't live in the same city for the next 6 years (US doctorates are 5 years long), then the least I can do is spend the 8 months I was going to spend putzing around here with him so we can actually spend some time together. We've known each other for 7 years, and the longest stretch of time we've had together is 3 days. E-mail is no way to start a long-term relationship. I've never been one to let a relationship affect my professional decisions, and I won't. I'll still go wherever I have to for school. But that doesn't mean I can't make any decisions with him in mind, especially if they're financially beneficial.
Lastly, most of my closest friends have officially moved to other countries as of today; Betsy, Jeff and Christine back to the States, and Fiona back to Ireland. I still have friends here, very good friends who I adore. But once the people you're closest to are gone, a place kind of loses its hold on you.
Thoughts?
Thursday, July 30, 2009
I Finally Get It
Well, it happened. It took 25 years, dozens of good dates, more bad dates, and a lot of self-loathing, but it happened. I finally understand what all the love fuss is about.
I was always a cynic, too. I never believed that you could love someone unconditionally, or that you could have a relationship that was as natural as breathing, where even the difficult conversations come easily and stress-free. But I get it now. I finally understand that the cheesy songs, the lame poems, and the crappy rom-com movies have, if you're really lucky, got it right. And it just so happens, I'm really lucky. Despite the fact that, as we're on different continents, I miss him wretchedly, and as a result also understand exactly what the term "lovesick" really means, I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything.
I'm not trying to be a hopeless romantic either; I've always been very level-headed in pretty much every aspect of my life. I don't believe something exists unless I am given solid proof. So forgive my cheesy lameness...it's just that I've finally found the proof.
Feel free to go and vomit now if you like. I've said what I needed to say.
I was always a cynic, too. I never believed that you could love someone unconditionally, or that you could have a relationship that was as natural as breathing, where even the difficult conversations come easily and stress-free. But I get it now. I finally understand that the cheesy songs, the lame poems, and the crappy rom-com movies have, if you're really lucky, got it right. And it just so happens, I'm really lucky. Despite the fact that, as we're on different continents, I miss him wretchedly, and as a result also understand exactly what the term "lovesick" really means, I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything.
I'm not trying to be a hopeless romantic either; I've always been very level-headed in pretty much every aspect of my life. I don't believe something exists unless I am given solid proof. So forgive my cheesy lameness...it's just that I've finally found the proof.
Feel free to go and vomit now if you like. I've said what I needed to say.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Distance
I've recently been missing my Miami friends a lot. I mean, I always miss them, but for whatever reason, I miss them so much this week it almost makes me want to drop out of school and move back there just so I don't have to miss them anymore. I'd imagine the homesickness is so intense of late because it's Easter week, and pretty much all of my London friends went home for the holiday, resulting in a pretty lonely Easter for me.
But the point of this entry isn't to bitch and moan and try to earn pity. On the contrary; I hardly deserve pity if I'm lucky enough to have developed such close meaningful relationships with people that after 9 months I'm still affected this strongly by the distance. My point is, I can now see why some people think it's better to just not get close to people in the first place. I personally am not one of those people, but I see the logic. I lived in Miami for 6 years, which is a pretty significant amount of time-certainly long enough to build relationships that go beyond mere friendship. Arianne, Lucy, Manny C, Nick, Shana, Kevin, Monica, Manny (especially Manny)-these people were my family. Still are. But it's hard to separate from that kind of network. I naiively thought that maybe it would get easier over time, that we would grow apart, that after almost a year I wouldn't still want to call them every time something significant happens in my life-but that's not the case. I wouldn't trade these relationships for the world, but I am starting to understand how a less optimistic person than myself would choose to not build them in the first place so that when they inevitably separate they won't have to feel the pain.
Please don't misunderstand me-I would take a lot more pain than this as long as I got to keep those relationships. And my life is infinitely better for having them. And I'm not going to shy away from building those kinds of relationships here in London. But the pain I feel right now does give me pause-I don't intend to leave London anytime soon, but chances are it will happen eventually. Even if things do go as planned and I do my PhD here, what about after that? Academic jobs are so hard to find, it's almost definite that I'll have to move back to the US to find work. And by then, I will have been here 5 years. And I'll have to go through this separation all over again. I know most people fear starting out in a new place. They fear lonliness. They fear completely starting their life over from scratch. None of that scares me. What scares me is having to repeat this pain all over again with a whole new set of people, all the while still missing the old set no less than I did the week after I moved.
Like I said, it's not enough to make me shy away from getting close to people. But it's certainly no picnic, either.
But the point of this entry isn't to bitch and moan and try to earn pity. On the contrary; I hardly deserve pity if I'm lucky enough to have developed such close meaningful relationships with people that after 9 months I'm still affected this strongly by the distance. My point is, I can now see why some people think it's better to just not get close to people in the first place. I personally am not one of those people, but I see the logic. I lived in Miami for 6 years, which is a pretty significant amount of time-certainly long enough to build relationships that go beyond mere friendship. Arianne, Lucy, Manny C, Nick, Shana, Kevin, Monica, Manny (especially Manny)-these people were my family. Still are. But it's hard to separate from that kind of network. I naiively thought that maybe it would get easier over time, that we would grow apart, that after almost a year I wouldn't still want to call them every time something significant happens in my life-but that's not the case. I wouldn't trade these relationships for the world, but I am starting to understand how a less optimistic person than myself would choose to not build them in the first place so that when they inevitably separate they won't have to feel the pain.
Please don't misunderstand me-I would take a lot more pain than this as long as I got to keep those relationships. And my life is infinitely better for having them. And I'm not going to shy away from building those kinds of relationships here in London. But the pain I feel right now does give me pause-I don't intend to leave London anytime soon, but chances are it will happen eventually. Even if things do go as planned and I do my PhD here, what about after that? Academic jobs are so hard to find, it's almost definite that I'll have to move back to the US to find work. And by then, I will have been here 5 years. And I'll have to go through this separation all over again. I know most people fear starting out in a new place. They fear lonliness. They fear completely starting their life over from scratch. None of that scares me. What scares me is having to repeat this pain all over again with a whole new set of people, all the while still missing the old set no less than I did the week after I moved.
Like I said, it's not enough to make me shy away from getting close to people. But it's certainly no picnic, either.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Dictionary for Americans
It has recently come to my attention that I've started to pick up so many British-isms that I don't even notice anymore. This is good for me, as I am now starting to fit in, at least as far as my vocabulary and slang are concerned. However, as most of my readers are American, I figure I should probably put up a vocabulary list so that you can decipher my musings. Enjoy!
Tube (n): Metro
Trainers (n pl): Sneakers (they can be any kind, not just running shoes. For example, my Converse sneakers are called trainers as are my exercise shoes)
Flat (n): Apartment, though flats can be as large as a townhouse, or even a duplex. Basically, it's anything that's not a free-standing house (which doesn't exist in London, anyway)
Top-Up (v): To put money on something, i.e. your tube card or mobile.
Mobile (n): Cell phone. Most people do pay-as-you-go, forcing them to top up whenever they run out of credit.
Pub (n): Anywhere with a walk-up bar that serves beer and food. If they only serve alchohol and not food, it's a bar, not a pub.
Mate (n): Friend. Only used among men. If a guy calls you his mate, and you're a girl, there's something wrong with either you or him. Probably you.
Snog (v): Make out.
Lovely (adj): Same meaning as in the US; however, it can be used by the general public as opposed to just by pretentious assholes. Is often used to describe a person's character, as in "Oh, he's lovely!" (N.B.: this does not imply that he's gay)
N.B.(?): Note well, look here, read this, etc.
Loo Roll (n): Toilet paper
Pants (n pl): Underwear. Never, I repeat, NEVER describes trousers (see below)
Trousers (n pl): Anything Americans would call "pants". Slacks, jeans, sweats, whatever.
Trakkies (n pl): Sweatsuit, work-out clothes.
Chav (n): The English version of white trash.
Hot Cross Buns (n pl): A breakfast food. Very good when they have chocolate chips in them.
Bit: Singular (adv): little, as in, "I like him a bit", or "I'd only like a bit of sugar"
Plural (n): 1) Orange juice pulp ("OJ with bits")
2) Chocolate chips ("chocolate bits")
Chips (n pl): Fries
Crisps (n pl): Chips
American (n or adj): An obnoxiously loud probably overweight tourist who wears a bumbag (see below)
Bumbag (n): Fanny-pack. Do not ever call it a fanny-pack.
Fanny(n): A rude word for the female genetalia.
Cheers (?): 1) The same as in the US, when toasting with drinks
2) Thanks ("Cheers for the pint, mate!"
Let's Go For a Pint: Let's Go Get Shitfaced. Does not necessarily mean you have to drink pints of beer. You can go for a pint and drink a bottle of wine if you so choose.
Bully (adj): Good, as in "Bully for you!"
Buggered (adj): Fucked (in the bad way)
Shagged (v, adj): Fucked (in the good way)
Knackered (adj): Tired
Gutted (adj): Exhausted to the point of feeling sick
Kings (n): Kings College London, aka The Most Evil Place in the Universe.
Uni (n): College (can also mean "campus", as in "I'll be at uni all day")
College (n): Last 2 years of high school
A-Levels (n pl): AP exams, except everyone has to take them
Well (adj): Very, way, as in "I'm well excited about this weekend!"
Fit (adj): Hot. Can also mean physically in-shape, but usually just means very attractive.
Society (n): Club, i.e. Drama Society, Chess Society
Professor (n): the head of the department
Lecturer (n): Everyone else who teaches at Uni
You all right?: How are you?
Fancy Dress Party: Costume party
Kebab (n): a pita-type thing filled with meat
So, with this guide, you should be able to successfully translate the following exercise (Picture a guy on the phone):
"Hey, you all right? I just took the tube down to Uni to have a pint with my mates, and I saw this really fit girl out at the pub with her friends. They were having a fancy dress party, so she was dressed as a Chav. I think it was a party for the dance society. All her friends were well fit! I'm a bit buggered right now as I need to top up my mobile, but if you're not completely gutted after meeting with your lecturers all day, then we should totally go meet up with them. Just put on some nice trousers and come meet me; there's a kebab-and-chips shop right near where we're going, so we can stop there on the way back to the flat. You should be fine to just wear your trainers. Maybe if we're lucky we'll get to snog one of them, or even shag them! Don't worry, I don't think any of her friends were Americans or Kings students-I think they're all from our uni. Right, see you in a bit. Cheers, bye!"
Once you can translate that passage successfully, you are officially competent in the art of British slang. Congratulations!
Tube (n): Metro
Trainers (n pl): Sneakers (they can be any kind, not just running shoes. For example, my Converse sneakers are called trainers as are my exercise shoes)
Flat (n): Apartment, though flats can be as large as a townhouse, or even a duplex. Basically, it's anything that's not a free-standing house (which doesn't exist in London, anyway)
Top-Up (v): To put money on something, i.e. your tube card or mobile.
Mobile (n): Cell phone. Most people do pay-as-you-go, forcing them to top up whenever they run out of credit.
Pub (n): Anywhere with a walk-up bar that serves beer and food. If they only serve alchohol and not food, it's a bar, not a pub.
Mate (n): Friend. Only used among men. If a guy calls you his mate, and you're a girl, there's something wrong with either you or him. Probably you.
Snog (v): Make out.
Lovely (adj): Same meaning as in the US; however, it can be used by the general public as opposed to just by pretentious assholes. Is often used to describe a person's character, as in "Oh, he's lovely!" (N.B.: this does not imply that he's gay)
N.B.(?): Note well, look here, read this, etc.
Loo Roll (n): Toilet paper
Pants (n pl): Underwear. Never, I repeat, NEVER describes trousers (see below)
Trousers (n pl): Anything Americans would call "pants". Slacks, jeans, sweats, whatever.
Trakkies (n pl): Sweatsuit, work-out clothes.
Chav (n): The English version of white trash.
Hot Cross Buns (n pl): A breakfast food. Very good when they have chocolate chips in them.
Bit: Singular (adv): little, as in, "I like him a bit", or "I'd only like a bit of sugar"
Plural (n): 1) Orange juice pulp ("OJ with bits")
2) Chocolate chips ("chocolate bits")
Chips (n pl): Fries
Crisps (n pl): Chips
American (n or adj): An obnoxiously loud probably overweight tourist who wears a bumbag (see below)
Bumbag (n): Fanny-pack. Do not ever call it a fanny-pack.
Fanny(n): A rude word for the female genetalia.
Cheers (?): 1) The same as in the US, when toasting with drinks
2) Thanks ("Cheers for the pint, mate!"
Let's Go For a Pint: Let's Go Get Shitfaced. Does not necessarily mean you have to drink pints of beer. You can go for a pint and drink a bottle of wine if you so choose.
Bully (adj): Good, as in "Bully for you!"
Buggered (adj): Fucked (in the bad way)
Shagged (v, adj): Fucked (in the good way)
Knackered (adj): Tired
Gutted (adj): Exhausted to the point of feeling sick
Kings (n): Kings College London, aka The Most Evil Place in the Universe.
Uni (n): College (can also mean "campus", as in "I'll be at uni all day")
College (n): Last 2 years of high school
A-Levels (n pl): AP exams, except everyone has to take them
Well (adj): Very, way, as in "I'm well excited about this weekend!"
Fit (adj): Hot. Can also mean physically in-shape, but usually just means very attractive.
Society (n): Club, i.e. Drama Society, Chess Society
Professor (n): the head of the department
Lecturer (n): Everyone else who teaches at Uni
You all right?: How are you?
Fancy Dress Party: Costume party
Kebab (n): a pita-type thing filled with meat
So, with this guide, you should be able to successfully translate the following exercise (Picture a guy on the phone):
"Hey, you all right? I just took the tube down to Uni to have a pint with my mates, and I saw this really fit girl out at the pub with her friends. They were having a fancy dress party, so she was dressed as a Chav. I think it was a party for the dance society. All her friends were well fit! I'm a bit buggered right now as I need to top up my mobile, but if you're not completely gutted after meeting with your lecturers all day, then we should totally go meet up with them. Just put on some nice trousers and come meet me; there's a kebab-and-chips shop right near where we're going, so we can stop there on the way back to the flat. You should be fine to just wear your trainers. Maybe if we're lucky we'll get to snog one of them, or even shag them! Don't worry, I don't think any of her friends were Americans or Kings students-I think they're all from our uni. Right, see you in a bit. Cheers, bye!"
Once you can translate that passage successfully, you are officially competent in the art of British slang. Congratulations!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
French Frolicking
So my friend Alicia had this crazy idea that for her 21st birthday, a group of us should go to a villa in France for a week this June. I thought it sounded like fun, but a little far-fetched. But, lo and behold, due to her massive type-A organisational skills and bargain-hunting abilities, we're going! From June 13-20, 13 friends and I are staying in this lovely villa for only £105 per person:
http://www.cottages4you.co.uk/sites/cottages4you/pages/PropertyDetails_C.aspx?QS=3E0F3DCD-882D-4738-9E61-B90EA3C005F2~C~F16184~HCG~64~GBP~10~7~06-13-2009~A~N~6~91EE03D5-4D7B-DD3C-DA18-50F548494F7A~21653~0~65~N~N~N~N~N
Sometimes I love my life.
Another exciting aspect of the trip-I get to drive! I drove a tiny bit at Christmas, but otherwise, I haven't driven since August, which is very sad. I love driving. Unfortunately, me and my groups of passengers have to rent a car, due to the fact that everyone in the group who has a car drives a manual transmission and I don't know how, and nobody else is willing to drive on the right side of the road for 6 hours. (Silly British people thinking you're supposed to drive on the left side of the road....). I am a little wary of that whole driving-2-hours-on-the-left-side-of-the-road-to-get-to-Dover thing, as well as the whole concept of driving on the opposite side of the car. But I'll manage. It should be great fun-road trips are one of my favourite things ever.
I am well excited. (And judging my the structure of that sentance, am also picking up more British-speak than I thought I was...).
http://www.cottages4you.co.uk/sites/cottages4you/pages/PropertyDetails_C.aspx?QS=3E0F3DCD-882D-4738-9E61-B90EA3C005F2~C~F16184~HCG~64~GBP~10~7~06-13-2009~A~N~6~91EE03D5-4D7B-DD3C-DA18-50F548494F7A~21653~0~65~N~N~N~N~N
Sometimes I love my life.
Another exciting aspect of the trip-I get to drive! I drove a tiny bit at Christmas, but otherwise, I haven't driven since August, which is very sad. I love driving. Unfortunately, me and my groups of passengers have to rent a car, due to the fact that everyone in the group who has a car drives a manual transmission and I don't know how, and nobody else is willing to drive on the right side of the road for 6 hours. (Silly British people thinking you're supposed to drive on the left side of the road....). I am a little wary of that whole driving-2-hours-on-the-left-side-of-the-road-to-get-to-Dover thing, as well as the whole concept of driving on the opposite side of the car. But I'll manage. It should be great fun-road trips are one of my favourite things ever.
I am well excited. (And judging my the structure of that sentance, am also picking up more British-speak than I thought I was...).
Monday, March 23, 2009
Life's a Journey, Not a Destination
My friend Fiona has a theory about me. She thinks that at some point in my unremembered past, I made a deal with God that I would be able to live a full life, but I would only have 25 years in which to do it, and thus I must live on hyper-speed. I hope she's wrong, because that means I'm dead as a doornail in 6 weeks, but I can see why one would think that. I'm always living for tomorrow. I have a list of things to do in life, and I try to stick to it like glue. My whole life up to this point has been conducted with the sole purpose of avoiding being one of those people who wakes up one day in their 50's and thinks, "Is this it? Why didn't I do more?". Of all the things in life I fear, that's the worst. I don't fear being alone, I don't fear an early death, I don't fear the unknown-I fear that. Regret for the things I didn't do.
But just recently I've started to wonder if maybe I'm not taking it too far. For example, the topic on everyone in my programme's mind right now is PhD applications. I will be honest-I don't really want to do one. It sounds nice in theory, but I'm not cut out to be an academic. I have the brains, sure, but I don't have the work ethic when it comes to studying or the competetive edge. I don't have the patience to sit inside studying ancient languages all day. I wish I did, but I simply don't. If I've learned nothing else from this year, it's that. However, I find it intensely difficult to reconcile myself with this, because getting a PhD is on my list of things to do in life. I really, really, really want to be called Dr. Prior someday. But honestly? That might be the only reason. Yes, I would love to teach at the university level, and I would love to write books on religion, but I don't need a PhD for that; I'd be just as happy teaching at community college and writing popular non-fiction for a less educated audience as I would teaching at UCL or NYU or somewhere and writing for academic journals. More than that, I don't want to spend the next three to five years still in school. But, I do want to be able to say I got my PhD.
I won't lie, it's probably a vanity thing. I want to be able to say I did it more than I actually want to do it. So which is better-ticking something off my to-do list or just accepting that maybe I won't ever have a doctorate and sitting back and enjoying life? Objectively, this shouldn't seem like a hard question to answer, but for me, it rather is. More than anything, it's made me reflect on other aspects of my life; am I too busy accomplishing my goals to spend the proper amount of time with all my friends? Or to meet a guy I might actually date for more than 3 months?
Of all the aspects of my life that have suffered, I think my love life is probably the worst. I've always just been too busy to date, and every time I do start seeing someone, I wonder if I won't get stuck in a rut and end up with the wrong guy and-you guessed it-wake up in 30 years regretting it. What if I do meet Hypothetical Dream Guy and am too busy to notice? What if he asks me out and I say no because I've got plans that night? What if I could have this amazing life with someone with a relationship that other people dream of having, but am too selfish to rearrange my life in order to be with him because he wasn't part of the original plan?
I know this all seems very far-fetched. But still...what if?
But just recently I've started to wonder if maybe I'm not taking it too far. For example, the topic on everyone in my programme's mind right now is PhD applications. I will be honest-I don't really want to do one. It sounds nice in theory, but I'm not cut out to be an academic. I have the brains, sure, but I don't have the work ethic when it comes to studying or the competetive edge. I don't have the patience to sit inside studying ancient languages all day. I wish I did, but I simply don't. If I've learned nothing else from this year, it's that. However, I find it intensely difficult to reconcile myself with this, because getting a PhD is on my list of things to do in life. I really, really, really want to be called Dr. Prior someday. But honestly? That might be the only reason. Yes, I would love to teach at the university level, and I would love to write books on religion, but I don't need a PhD for that; I'd be just as happy teaching at community college and writing popular non-fiction for a less educated audience as I would teaching at UCL or NYU or somewhere and writing for academic journals. More than that, I don't want to spend the next three to five years still in school. But, I do want to be able to say I got my PhD.
I won't lie, it's probably a vanity thing. I want to be able to say I did it more than I actually want to do it. So which is better-ticking something off my to-do list or just accepting that maybe I won't ever have a doctorate and sitting back and enjoying life? Objectively, this shouldn't seem like a hard question to answer, but for me, it rather is. More than anything, it's made me reflect on other aspects of my life; am I too busy accomplishing my goals to spend the proper amount of time with all my friends? Or to meet a guy I might actually date for more than 3 months?
Of all the aspects of my life that have suffered, I think my love life is probably the worst. I've always just been too busy to date, and every time I do start seeing someone, I wonder if I won't get stuck in a rut and end up with the wrong guy and-you guessed it-wake up in 30 years regretting it. What if I do meet Hypothetical Dream Guy and am too busy to notice? What if he asks me out and I say no because I've got plans that night? What if I could have this amazing life with someone with a relationship that other people dream of having, but am too selfish to rearrange my life in order to be with him because he wasn't part of the original plan?
I know this all seems very far-fetched. But still...what if?
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